The City's "Smiley"

If you recall, I made a post a few months back about how smiley faces at the end of a to do list (or any other place where the person reading it would not normally smile) drive me crazy. They just feel patronizing.

Well here is another thing that bugs me: Holiday greetings directly below the "NOW DUE" amount on my utility bill.

I read it like this. Give us $107 or your trash will pile up, your street will not be swept, and you will have no water... oh yeah and Merry effin Christmas."

Meet my nemesis at work

I'd like to introduce you to my nemesis.

"It looks like a chair" you may say. Not true. It's a torture device that tests ones resolve and patience disguised as a chair.

First of all, when I sit down on it, the "lean back" lever kicks out and basically throws the chair forward almost knocking me on to the ground.

"Why don't you just sit down more carefully?" Because I shouldn't have to think just to sit down! Secondly, the "lean back" lever likes to randomly pop out, usually choosing the moments when I have a mug of hot coffee at my lips.

"There are probably a ton of other chairs, why don't you switch?" The chairs in the office are kind of a mishmash and are not all the same, so if I take another person's chair, they'll know. The extra chairs have terrible lumbar support (wow, I sound old).

So I basically have to make the choice to either have a sore back or look like an idiot. I have way more experience with the latter.

If all dogs go to heaven... its okay then right?

So I've been out of the blogosphere again lately (I'll write a post soon explaining why), mostly because my kiddo has been sick. As a result of his illness, there have been many nights that either myself, my wife, or both of us have been up tending to our feverish, oozing, child. After three and a half weeks of his ailment, we were glad that he was feeling better (and not waking up in the middle of the night covered in poo), and we excited at the prospect of a full night's rest. We were so tired both my wife and I nodded off a couple of times during Heroes last night, so you know we were tired! We went to bed at a modest time, around 11:30 and gently drifted off to slumberville. Not 20 minutes go by and we hear this subdued whining. Like trained dogs, both my wife and I pop off of our pillows and she goes to check on the kiddo to make sure he's not sick again (it kept coming and going). She comes back a few seconds later and tells me K's asleep still. Then WTF is that sound? Turns out it was our neighbor's dog. We've had problems in the past with the dog being let out in the middle of the night, presumably to do her business, and then barking to be let back in (at 4 am!), but at the time we had Zoe who was equally annoying and were hesitant to say anything for fear of looking like hypocrites. Well Zoe is gone now and this crap went on ALL NIGHT!!!!! Like clockwork every 20 minutes there was whining, loud sniffing, and what sounded like the dog trying to break down the door to get in. Needless to say neither of us got any rest last night and we now officially hate that dog. Eff the SPCA!!! That bitch is going down!

I'm off to light a bag of dog doo doo and put it on their doorstep.

RE:FW:FW:FW: I HATE YOU!!!

Of the many annoying things that occur in day-to-day office life, the “mass e-mail forward” has to be the worst!  At least three times a week I receive an email that is either marginally funny (hardly a snicker, usually an eye roll), a “see who your friends are/you’re wish will be granted/you will be cursed/you will die tomorrow if you don’t forward this”, or a “warning” email.  Don’t get me wrong, if you send me a genuinely funny email/video I appreciate it.  Problem is the people who send these emails out tend to send them to either “All-Recipients” or a huge list of people.  Not content to let the annoyance pass, several people feel the need to reply to these messages a la “reply to all”.  So it wasn’t bad enough that “Gang members in Fresno are getting into minor fender benders around town and then carjacking people when they confront them” now I have 20 additional emails that range from “that’s so scary!” to the simple “OMG”.

To compound this, my [personal] mobile phone is set to synchronize with my work’s Microsoft Exchange server (I get my work email on my phone).  A few months back my wife had to call AT&T wireless (our provider) to take care of an issue.  After her problem was “fixed” the operator told her that my line was well over its allotted text messages (200).  That raised a flag.  I do text message more than I make phone calls, but I’ve never gone over my 200 messages.  I called AT&T back and after several flip-flop answers it was determined that when my email is sent to my phone it counts as a message.  Now you may be thinking “Brandon isn’t email part of your data plan?”  I thought the same, and questioned this (as I have an unlimited data plan).  Turns out, yes indeed syncing with the Exchange server is counted on the data plan, but also counts as text messages (i.e. we get dinged twice!).  Blarg!

To make it simple I have devised some rules/guidlines for sending forwards:

1.  If you didn’t shed a tear from laughing or at least literally laughed out loud, don’t forward it
2. If you are my friend, you know it and don’t need an email back from the friend fairy (or whatever the “blessing du jour” is)
   
3.  The only wish that will be granted by including me in your “10 people by midnight” is if you wished to get smacked!
   
4. As far as curses, see #3
   
5.  If you think not sending an email will kill you, make sure a psychiatrist is one of the people you forward the message to, but change the subject line to “I need help”
6. Do not send ANY warning emails without at the minimum checking snopes.com 99% of the time it will be there, and you can thank me for preventing you from looking like a gullible dipsh*t.  Also if there is a link to snopes in the email, for GOD SAKE click it and make sure the link refers to the same story!!! (http://www.snopes.com)

This concludes my rant.  Now forward this to 10 friends by 5:00 pm or a dingo will eat your baby.

(ETA: Ironically as I type this I just received two more!!!)

You know it's close to payday when...

...you have more money in your car than in your checking account and this is how you have to buy your morning coffee. :(

Just so you don't think we're irresponsible with money, let me give you a little background. I work for a small company and in order for me to get benefits (which was a requisite for me taking the job) they have me technically "employed" by one of their larger partner companies. The partner company thinks its fun to change the paydays at their whim. I believe their payday calender is based on a combination of the current humidity, the shape of the grounds on the bottom of their coffee cup, and the last "animal" they saw in the clouds, no matter what it is based on it's still a mystery to everyone else.

In all seriousness, paydays are supposed to be on the 5th and 20th. Now, every company I've ever worked for no matter how small paid you on the Friday before the payday if the actual payday fell on the weekend. The first time in the year this occurred, payday fell on a Saturday and we got paid on Friday (nice, that's how I thought it works).

Next time this happened, payday fell on a Sunday, so we got paid on the following Monday. It was explained that Saturday=Friday; Sunday=Monday, the email went on to explain that this was all spelled out in the calendar we received in the HR paperwork (which I didn't get). Well, that sucks, but oh well, at least now I know.

The next time it happened, payday fell on the Saturday of the three day Independence day weekend (the 4th was on a Friday), we got paid on Monday (WTF????).

This time payday fell on a Saturday and we get paid today. Again we got an email explaining this, and it said the following:

Hi Everyone,

Just a reminder payday is on Monday. The calendar's are not right. If payday lands on a weekend anytime payday is alway on the following Monday. If you have any questions please let me know.

Thanks

Accounts Receivable

(copied and pasted from my email (I added the bold, but left the spelling error >:) )

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Next payday is on a Sunday, so we'll see if I actually get paid. >:(